macapan:

It’s pretty counter-productive but hey! What’re you gonna do? It’s not like I do it on purpose. I just cant actually make myself focus on the things that need doing and if I try, I get panicked.

Like.

Chest tightening, probably gonna cry if this gets any kind of hard at all, let’s move on to…

macapan:

Is that the right terminology?

Well, anyways. Online I feel much more comfortable teasing others with like… innuendos, ‘promises’ and eh-hem talk.

Its not a complete 180, Ill say that, but its definitely an increase from the almost nothing.

And its not that I don’t think it. Ooh boy that’s…

macapan:

That should point out just how talkative I really am, right? Hah. Well, these letters usually express my frustrations towards my antagonists, myself, my beliefs, etc. Sometimes, they also express how much I uh- dislike myself at that particular time and are definitely not my most shining moments. How can I put this… Sometimes they express ‘wishes’ (that will never be fulfilled) like Bruce Banner’s… attempt at a solution. Alright alright! I’ll stop mincing words. I write about how much I want to kill myself and how I’d do it. Not very realistic since, obviously I’m still here. But you’ve been warned. Fun fact: They don’t always come in letter format either. At times I write fictional stories spurred on by emotion. They are also usually destroyed right after I calm down. Wouldn’t want anyone to see them and all of its negativity. They help me vent when nothing else will. Some do survive though, and you can see some examples here, here and here. I think others are still around too, but I’m not going to be showing those. Hah! I guess not all of them disappear.

macapan:

Yeah yeah, that’s really girly of me but whatever. I like showing affection through words: darling, love, sweetheart. I like giving hugs and holding hands and just simple tactile comforts. I’m sure I’d love little sweet kisses if I had anyone to share them with. And as much as love giving out affection, receiving it makes my heart burst with joy. Again, it’s the little things. A word here, a touch there. Casual affection is the best kind, because they’re not thinking deeply about it, they don’t have to cause it just comes naturally. I am pretty much a tactile person. It’s the way to my heart.

macapan:

It happens during emotional times. Most always embarrassment. I really do not have a way of describing them. Sometimes they’re soft gurgly noises from the back of my throat. Sometimes they’re some time of whine or groan. I just don’t know. But they come out. And usually they’re accompanied by a series of strange bodily motions in bed. Like a snake writhing against something. 

But the only person to have witnessed these definitely is my mother. And I don’t plan on ever letting others seeing them. 

Unless we’re married.

macapan:

It’s very, very rare for me to say his name. Even to his face, or when I’m calling out to him, it’s Brother. Brother, how are you? Brother do this. Brother come here. Just like I call mom and dad by their titles, I do the same to my brother. I don’t know if that’s strange or not. It helps that…

macapan:

And I’m not talking about being human and having the occasional bad day. There are several many occasions when I’ll get too comfortable, or demanding, or irritated/irritating, or this or that and in retrospect I dislike myself. I need too much and don’t give back enough in return. I expect the…

edited.

macapan:

It might be childish, naive, silly, etc., but I refuse to believe otherwise. Thinking positively helps me relax and keeps me from stressing out, one of the biggest reasons people have a hard time doing things. Most of my positive thinking happens in the school setting, or in personal…

edited.

macapan:

And its something I try to be, everyday. With my voice, with my face, with my body and my actions. You can almost always find my emotion somewhere on me. If I’m happy, I will smile widely and my voice will get louder (and yeah, higher-pitched too). When I hear something I dont like, my body will…

edited.